Staying together is a good resolution ~ January 8, 1998

David Heiller

A friend asked me on New Year’s Eve if I had any New Year’s resolutions.

An old Polaroid shot from Morocco, 1978

“No,” I answered. I told him sincerely that New Year’s resolutions don’t make sense to me. They are promises made to be broken.

If something really needs changing, then change it for the right reason. Don’t base the change on a calendar date. That isn’t the right motivation. It has to come from a much deeper place. 

That’s what I told my friend, in so many words.

Making a New Year’s resolution and then breaking it can do more harm than good. It can discourage you from trying to fix something that needs fixing. “Well, that resolution didn’t work. Might as well forget about it.”

But New Year’s resolutions do serve a purpose in that they can get us thinking about things that need to be worked on, and things that we value.

A little later at the same New Year’s Eve party, I was telling our friends about how some knick-knacks in the bedroom had fallen down when I had turned on an amplifier. The amp had made such a loud noise that it literally knocked those two little shelves off the wall.

I thought that was pretty funny. People laughed and smiled. But then I added, “I hate those things,” referring to the knick-knacks.

Never say “hate” about something your spouse likes. It’s just plain rude. It humiliated Cindy. And it wasn’t true. If I had thought about it for a second, I wouldn’t have said it.

Cindy has a way of decorating the house nicely. She puts things on the wall and they look great. It’s only when they fall on me that I don’t like them.

In our back yard with MacKenzie, the Aussie Shep.

If I lived alone, my walls would be pretty bare. My life would be too. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like how my wife decorates the house.

When our guests were leaving, another friend said something like this to me, “I’ve got a suggestion for a New Year’s Resolution for you, Dave. Think before you say some things.”

Especially the dumb things, I thought.

She was right. I wouldn’t call it a resolution. But it’s definitely something that I can work on. Think before you say something that is poorly thought out, or that could hurt someone’s feelings.

I sometimes wish my brain had a five second delay switch, so that I would have to pause before talking. The delay wouldn’t be nearly as time consuming as the time it takes me to pull my foot out of my mouth.

Cindy and I worked out the anger and confusion caused by my insensitive remark after our guests had left. We usually can work out arguments. We value that.

Which leads to another thing I want to work on: staying together.

My wife and I are in no danger of breaking up. But I see divorces happening all around. Sometimes they are unavoidable, and best for everyone. But not always. Sometimes I think—and I may be wrong—that with hard work and counseling and giving in a little, a marriage could be saved.

I loved David and David loved me.
We mostly had a very good marriage.

I used to think couples shouldn’t have to work on staying together if they love each other. A few lucky ones don’t. But most of us have to thrash out the seemingly trivial issues—like knick-knacks on the wall—before they become the tip of a big iceberg of larger problems.

I’ll end this complex subject with the simple words to one of my favorite songs, called “We Believe in Happy Endings.” It sums up my feelings very well.

Click here for one version of this song:

Who can say just how it starts? Angry words and broken hearts, till silently we sit apart, you and I.

But in a while the anger’s gone, and we forget who’s right or wrong, when one of us can end it all with just a smile.

We believe in happy endings, never breaking, always bending, taking time enough for mending the hurt inside.

We believe in new beginnings, giving in and forgiving. We believe in happy endings, you and I.

Just a word is all it takes, and suddenly the silence breaks, and looking back it makes us ache for what we’ve done.

And so we cling together now, and wonder why we’re oh so proud, when all that matters anyhow is our love.

We believe in happy endings, never breaking, always bending, taking time enough for mending the hurt inside.

We believe in new beginnings, giving in and forgiving. We believe in happy endings, you and I.