Put the memories where they belong ~ April 20, 2000

David Heiller

Every once in a while the bitter memories return.

David was pretty good at keeping things in perspective.
 Of course, we all get hurt, by people whose 
aim is to hurt us, whether we are 12 or 50.

When I was going into eighth grade, I decided to leave my elementary school a year early, and go the high school 12 miles away. I did this because I wanted to play sports. Most of my classmates were staying at the old school for their final year. They thought I was a snob and a deserter, and they let me know it. “Νο one likes you anyway, Heiller. Everybody’s glad you’re going,” one kid said. Boy, did that hurt. The memory is so vivid that I can still remember where I was standing when he said it. Just a couple of cruel sentences, but they have stuck with me for 30 years.

Then there was the time at the playground, when I wanted to join in a game with some kids who were sort of my friends. I didn’t feel like I could just join in, so I asked if I could join them. Big mistake. “God, Dave’s got to beg to play with us,” one of the girls chided. She laughed at me, made me feel like an outsider, a loser. She had bully power and she wielded it in merciless kid fashion.

I don’t think I’m alone with experiences like that. And I wasn’t always on the receiving end. I inflicted a few wounds on others.

The only thing more painful than some of those old childhood memories is seeing them repeated on my own kids.

I wish I had some magic words when that happens. I try to say the right thing. You’re a good kid. Be yourself. Do the best you can. We love you. I might tell of an experience of my own that was like theirs.

But I know that the hurt feelings ultimately have to be processed internally. You look at the words that are said, see how many grains of truth they contain, and try to understand why they were spoken and the person who said them.

Figuring out who you are is tough when you are age 14 or 16. It’s sometimes still a challenge at age 46.

But it can be done. I want to tell my kids that, by example if not words.

“Life won’t get much tougher for you than it is right now. Hang in there. The bitter memories won’t go away. But they’ll be put in the closet, right where they belong.”