Some tricks of the married trade ~ April 4, 1996

by David Heiller

Does your household have domains? Our does. For example, the basement is my domain. Cindy doesn’t go down there at all. Maybe once a year, if she has to. That’s where the pump is, and the jars of pickles and cans of paint and dahlia bulbs and storm windows and a worm bed. And don’t forget the mice and spiders.

It has a dirt floor and fieldstone walls, and can only be entered through an outside cellar door, and it’s my domain. Lucky me.

Cindy has her own domains too. The kitchen, for example. That’s where she bakes bread and makes supper and keeps all those spices that I have never used.

Some domains we share, like the garden. Last spring I insulted a lady friend when I asked her husband if he would show me his garden. I thought it was his domain. His wife informed me that she worked in the garden too. So it was THEIR domain.

Some people may think of domains as sexist. They think if only Joe works in the shop fixing engines and welding broken haybines, then that’s sexist and wrong. Shouldn’t Josephine be allowed to do that too?

But it’s sexist only if Joe won’t let Josephine do it. Joe likes his space out there, and Josephine likes that he likes it, because chances are she sure as heck doesn’t want to work out there.

Tricks of the married trade... a lot like dancing.
The more you do it, the better you get!

A shrewd husband or wife can take physical domains a step beyond physical space. I make the firewood in our family, and the act of bringing in firewood is my domain. Now I’m passing the job to our 12-year-old son, and it’s getting to be his domain to bring in firewood.

We got pretty tired of that domain when it was 50 below zero last January.

Cindy uses this to her advantage. I might be in a hurry to go to work, and Cindy reminds me that the woodbox needs to be filled. “Can’t you do it?” I’ll ask. Then come the dreaded words, the words edged in black.

“That’s your domain.”

I’ve used them effectively too. The kids might be sick and need an aspirin or need to have their appendix removed or some other small problem. Cindy will ask if I can check on them. Then she cringes and waits for the words of doom.

“That’s your domain.”

The classic family photo.
If you are a parent you had better be able to laugh.

Ouch.

Domains are related to two other terms of a good marriage: “I’ll let you do that,” and “You’re better at it.”

The first one has to be played like chess. It involves perfect timing and strategy. We used to use it the most when one of the kids had dirty diapers. Changing diapers is a shared domain. (See, I told you I wasn’t sexist.)

So if one person said, “Hey, Noah’s diapers need changing,” the other person would say, “I’ll let you do that.” Then the first person, who had sensed the droopy drawers in the first place, would be foiled and have to do it because the other person was “letting” them do it. Gee thanks.

“I’ll let you do that” can be used for many occasions in shared domains:

“Cindy, the floor needs sweeping.”

“I’ll let you do that.”

“Dave, the dishes really need to be washed.”

“I’ll let you do that.”

Try it sometime. But remember, it takes a lot of practice. We’ve been at it for almost 16 years, and it still doesn’t always work.

But if it doesn’t work, go to Plan B: “You’re better at it.” This simple sentence serves as a compliment to the other person, yet effectively passes the buck.

For example, we get milk from a local dairy farmer, and we separate the cream after it sits for a few hours. I don’t do as thorough a job as Cindy, because I like it richer. (“He likes milk and it shows.”)

So if she wants me to separate the cream on a busy morning with hot cereal on the table (by the way, making cereal is MY domain) and the kids waiting for milk, I can honestly say, “You’re better at it.”

Or if we have company coming and need to vacuum the living room really well, I can say to Cindy in all honesty, “You’re better at it,” because she is. This doesn’t always work either, but it’s worth a try.

If you are really desperate, you can say, “I’ll let you do that. You’re better at it.”

But don’t expect a big thank you.