English is ‘dam’ interesting—and maddening! ~ May 9, 1985

Language is a fascinating subject, even though it can be abused. Some abuses are obvious, but since this is a family newspaper, I won’t go into the details on that type of mistreatment.

Other language aberrations come naturally. I’m thinking of some of the things my 22-month-old son comes up with. Parents—you know of which I speak. The worst series of words he has come up with could easily have driven Socrates to his hemlock. It goes like this:

“Noah, sit down and eat your supper.”

“No.”

“Why not.”

“Cuz.”

“Because why?”

“Cuz.”

“Noah, sit down and eat!”

“No.”

And so on. Noah has no concept of the word “because” and all the reasons that are supposed to follow: “I’m not hungry. This food belongs to the dog. I have a headache.” A simple “Cuz” suffices. I wonder where he picked up that sequence?

Another teeth-gnashing exchange: Dad is outside, fixing the garage steps. Noah is watching intently.

“You doing?” This is a question but Noah says it like Gospel truth.

“I’m fixing the steps.”

“You doing?”

“I’m sawing a board to nail across the runners.”

“You doing?”

“I’m nailing the board.”

“You doing?”

“I’m shaking the finger I just smashed.”

“You doing;”

“I’m going crazy. How would you I like to go see Momma?”

“No.”

“Why not?” Oh-oh.

“Cuz.”

So times words are also confused, to the discomfort of the innocent speaker. I’ll end with a well-worn example: A peddlerpasses through the neighborhood one afternoon, selling fish which he had caught at the local reservoir. He knocked at the misnister’s house and asked, “Would you like some fresh fish that I caught at the dam?”

The minister’s wife examined the fish and bought three good sized ones. The oldest son, a teenager, was listening. When supper time came, and the blessing had been said, the boy exclaimed, “Please pass the dam fish.”

The minister reached across the table and swatted the boy’s head without a word.

The second oldest had seen the peddler earlier too, so she repeated the request: “Please pass the dam fish.”

Again, the minister reached over and swatted his daughter’s head.

The youngest boy sat for a second before speaking. “Please pass the potatoes,” he said finally.” That damn fish will get you in trouble.”