Murphy laid down the law with his kids ~ April 10, 1986

by David Heiller

Everybody knows Murphy’s Law, either directly or indirectly: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.

Murphy's children were probably cute too,
it is how they survived.

Murphy was probably some hapless Irishman who wouldn’t know a four-leafed clover if he found one in his salad. But we can all share his motto. I could last week, when I transposed two paragraphs of an editorial piece by Steve Bonkoski. If you read the article, you caught it in this sentence: “I decided to continue the charade of the computer by telling them I had people are there in the world?” Murphy loved it, of course. Steve writes about one major article a year and I lay it out wrong.

My son, who is nearly three, loved it too. He thrives on illogical words and ideas.

Me: Noah, why did you just cut that cassette tape with the scissors?

One of Malika's expensive toys: the broom.

Noah: Because the snow is gone.

Me: Noah, why aren’t you sleeping?

Noah: Because I can’t sleep.

Me: Why can’t you sleep?

Noah: Because I’m awake.

Noah: I don’t have a beard.

Me: Why not?

Noah: Because I have a chin.

Noah: The snow is all melted.

Me: How come?

Noah: Because there is grass.

Such non sequiturs, to put it in his own words, I find “really dickiless.” [Noah’s favorite word at the time for ridiculous]

But back to Murphy. Not many people know this, but that luckless Irishman had a large family. He had 14 children, and he had 13 other Laws. (He coined his first and most famous one after his wife told him she was pregnant with kid number 14.)

I can verify the truth of his 13 laws, because I see them acted out daily by our two children. Here is a sampler.

Murphy’s Law Number 4: If a crawling baby comes across anything on the floor, she will eat it.

Our daughter Mollie has a taste for Meow Mix cat food, preferably soaked in the milk saucer. She makes our cat lean and nervous for her to outgrow this Law. In the sauna Sunday night, Mollie had a tub full of toys, but none of them looked as delicious as the bar of pink soap. She got her mouth washed out without even the fun of deserving it. She didn’t mind a bit either, even though her teeth marks are still in the soap. Maybe her taste buds have been calloused by so many offerings.

Murphy’s Law Number 7: If a baby has a choice between a store-bought toy and a make-shift one, she will choose the cheaper of the two.

There’s nothing like a box of Kleenex to keep a little one busy, pulling and ripping. Easter grass works almost as well. Bars of soap fit this Law too. Murphy gave up on giving toys to his kids after Number seven. Why bother with Fisher-Price when a pile of old newspapers works just as well, or a basket of just-folded clothes, or a book shelf lined with books?

They are playing with Daddy's banjo... yikes!

Murphy’s Law Number 9: If your kids are going to misbehave, they will do it in the company of others.

Just when you think the Terrible Twos are over, your daughter throws a tantrum down at the pizza place. Or your son starts talking about He-Man at the story hour in church. I remember once when I just had to play catch with the football in the house when a strange lady came to visit. I was about six. My pass to my brother went wild, knocking the glasses off the lady. I hid in the closet. Mom found me, no doubt while she was mumbling Law Number nine under her breath.

Murphy’s Law Number 6: Anything private becomes public.

This family newspaper prevents me from being too specific. To put it gently, Noah knows certain body parts and functions by their correct nomenclature. When conversation lags with neighbors and mothers-in-law, he inevitably turns the discussion that way.

Yup, good thing they are cute.

Murphy’s Law Number 12: Bad timing.

This one is related to Law 9, but includes countless variations. If you go out once a year and have a few too many beers, that will be the night your kids wake up and need to be rocked for three hours. If it is your turn to sleep in on Sunday morning, that will be the morning your kids sleep till 9. If you tell your best friend how well your daughter is doing with potty training, she will wet her pants in the next three minutes. If your son never takes a nap, he will fall asleep for two hours just as you are about to leave for a dentist appointment.

We’ve all got a little of Murphy in us. You probably know a few of his Laws too. And as long as we continue to have children, his Laws will live on.